Penton: The Funny Side of Sports - Part 2

By Bruce Penton

Part two of the 2021 year in review of the best quips, quotes and anecdotes, covering the period from July through December:

• Patti Dawn Swansson, on Twitter: “Toronto Blue Jays manager Charlie Montoyo calling to the bullpen for help is like relying on Tiger Woods for emergency roadside assistance.”

• Headline at theonion.com: “Bob Baffert Once Again Denies Doping Allegations After Medina Spirit Wins Coca-Cola 600.”

• Some wiseguy on Twitter, while the eight-hole Travelers golf playoff was ongoing: “How many holes does a PGA Tour playoff go before a windmill is involved?”

• RJ Currie of sportsdeke.com: “Hayley Wickenheiser said the University of Calgary helped her get a degree by planning exams around her hockey schedule. In response, NCAA athletes said, ‘Exams?’”

• Jack Finarelli at sportscurmudgeon.com, on Nathans’s Fourth of July hotdog eating contest: “At exactly what point did gluttony cease to be one of the seven deadly sins and become a sport?”

• Broadcaster and former PGA tour player Colt Knost, after Collin Morikawa won the Open Championship, taking the Claret Jug away from 2019 winner, Irishman Shane Lowry: “I think the Claret Jug will get a lot more sleep this year.”

• Comedy writer Brad Dickson of Omaha: “The Cleveland Indians have dropped ‘Indians’ to improve their image. Good start. Now they just need to drop ‘Cleveland.’”

• Norman Chad, on Twitter: “With the USA losing to France in Olympic men’s basketball — due to an overlooked clause in the 1886 transaction between the two nations — the USA must now return the Statue of Liberty.”

• Phil Mickelson, on Twitter, after Tour player Harry Higgs begged for a Tuesday practice round with him, during which some gambling dough will be at stake: “This will save me a trip to the ATM . . . thank you.”

• Pre-round trash talk from golfer Phil Mickelson, prior to a practice round with journeymen Harry Higgs and Keith Mitchell, saying he’d be using a ball with a logo of himself on it: “It’s from when I won the Masters. What are you guys using?”

• Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg: “Damian Warner set an Olympic record 9,018 points to be the first Canadian winner of Olympic Decathlon. Being Canadian, Warner spent his time during the medal ceremony apologizing to the silver and bronze winners for beating them.”

• Kaseberg again: “In Tokyo, Bruce Springsteen's daughter, Jessica, did not make the Olympic equestrian jumping finals. It turns out, when it came to jumping, Jessica's horse was born to run.”

• Phil Mushnick of the New York Post: “How I know I’ve recovered from a head injury: 1) short-term memory has returned, 2) long-term memory has returned, 3) short-term memory has returned.”

• Comedy guy Torben Rolfsen of Vancouver, on potential new homes for Arizona Coyotes: “Quebec City was mentioned as a possibility, but Commissioner Gary Bettman’s office said the NHL is still at least a decade away from European expansion.”

• Dylan Dethier of golf.com, on how to handle the pressure of an 18th-hole putt for 59: “My approach is to stay far, far away from putts for 59 to avoid the potential embarrassment of missing them.”

• Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle, on baseball’s new extra-inning rule: “They should start every half inning with bases loaded. And all three runners blindfolded.”

• Jeff Patterson on Twitter, showing off his fandom for tennis star Leylah Fernandez: “If Leylah-Annie wins this thing, I’m naming my daughter after her. And my daughter is 18. She’ll just have to deal with the change…”

• RJ Currie again: “According to Reuters, an Australian pig once drank 18 cans of beer, got into a fight with a cow before eventually passing out. It was made the official mascot of the NHL.”

• Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times: “Prince Philip’s will will be sealed for at least 90 years to protect the ‘dignity’ of Queen Elizabeth II and the royal family, a London judge has ruled. ‘Can we do that with our 2021 season?’ asked the Baltimore Orioles.”

• Kaseberg again: “After scoring a touchdown, Green Bay Packer Aaron Jones lost a small football necklace charm that contained his father's ashes. A team trainer searched until 2 a.m. and found it. ‘See, that's why we don't score touchdowns, you can lose stuff,’ said the New York Jets.”

• Roberto Castro, on Twitter: “If you wake up today and your job feels impossible, just remember there is a team of people selling Jacksonville Jaguars tickets, suites, and hospitality packages.”

• Another one from Norman Chad, on Twitter: “Texans QB Davis Mills, at the half, is 1 of 7, 3 yards, 2 INT. He has a passer rating of 0.0, last achieved by Napoleon when he invaded Russia.”

• Currie again: “Three signs your NFL squad is having a bad season: 3. Mom sells her season tickets — before your first game; 2. Fans petition the Commissioner to play all home games in London; 1. The gift shop's bags come with eyeholes.”

• Chad again: “Week 6 NFL pick: Jaguars (+3.5) vs. Dolphins, in London. More than 245 years after the revolution, we are still punishing the Brits by sending them bad NFL games.”

• Montreal sportswriter Michael Farber, on Twitter: “ Although it's only October, @CanadiensMTL seem to be in midseason form. Unfortunately, it's the midseason of the 1974-75 @Capitals"

• Headline at theonion.com: “New York City Reinstates Full Lockdown After Disturbing Reports That Knicks May Resume Play

• Another one from Perry: “Bears TE Jimmy Graham has been placed on the reserve/COVID-19 list. If he has the virus, it’ll be just the second time he’s caught something this season.”

• Patti Dawn Swansson again, on Twitter: “A pair of sneakers Michael Jordan wore way back in 1984 sold at auction for $1.472 million. Apparently it was $1,471,990 for the shoes and $10 for a box of Odor-Eaters.”

• Sportswriter Chris Burke of The Athletic: “The bye week opens as a 13.5-point favourite over the Lions.”

• Glenn Howard’s daughter Carly, on Twitter: “Can’t decide if I’m more impressed that my dad is still curling at the top of his game or that he has yet to use his broom for balance.”

• Another one from Dwight Perry: “The Seahawks’ Russell Wilson (broken finger) and the Packers’ Aaron Rodgers (unvaccinated arm) will face off Nov. 14 in Green Bay — maybe. Just call it the Pins and Needles Bowl.”

• Alex Kaseberg again: “Aaron Rodgers is listed as having a toe injury. After all the ivermectin he has taken, I am just glad it is not hoof and mouth disease.”

• Another Kaseberg crack: “Thanksgiving can be a challenging day for people. There can be yelling, screaming, fighting, crying, too much drinking, arguments, break-ups and even people coming out. And that's just in the Detroit Lions' locker room at halftime.”

• Dwight Perry again: The Rams and NFL settled their relocation lawsuit with St. Louis — to the tune of a $790 million payout. Who knew illegal procedure could be so costly?”

• Headline at Fark.com: “Cowboys coach Mike McCarthy tests positive for COVID-19, blames the officials.”

Care to comment? Email brucepenton2003@yahoo.ca