Growing Through Grief: Presence and Moments
By Angela Clement
The more I walk this path the more I realize this life is really about surrendering control, letting go and just spreading love. Worrying about the outcome of situations beyond our control does nothing to help and yet we continue to do it.
I don’t know about you but I have spent a good part of a lifetime critiquing how I show up in the world. I put my worth on what I have accomplished in life. I measured my success by what others said about me. I longed for words of approval and when I did get them I quickly looked for more. When I was critiqued by someone I was devastated. What I am learning is that none of that matters. I have been given an opportunity to see what truly matters and to see that the best way I can influence the world around me is to live the life that brings me joy. There is nothing I need to prove and nothing I need to do to earn approval.
Blaine and I both loved Christmas. We loved finding the perfect gifts for our family, our friends and each other. The interesting thing is I don’t remember all the gifts so much as what we did together and how it felt to share the moments. That we were a family and had an experience, whatever that might have been. Somehow after my loss I started to internalize the importance of being together AND I think there is even more to it than just being with one another. I think being truly present when you are together with your loved ones makes all the difference.
We can get a lot of joy from planning the perfect day and it can be comforting to have a good plan going into the holidays. Blaine was the greatest host when it came to family gatherings. He knew how to make people feel comfortable and he loved to help prepare the house and the food and set up for it. We loved to do this together.
You can prepare all you want for Christmas and you will never have the time to do everything you think you should do and even if you did, you can’t control how the day goes. I think some of us can get caught up in an expectation that we will all have some kind of magical experience. We also think that if it doesn’t go exactly as we expected it to, somehow we have failed.
There is only one thing that you can control in any situation. That is your reaction to it. You can be flexible and allow yourself to bend with the wind or you can let it break you. You can accept the things that you cannot control or you can be miserable about it. Am I saying you shouldn’t be upset? Not at all. I am saying that if you do get upset don’t be upset that you are upset! We have a choice to be kind to ourselves and give ourselves a really big break or we can choose to beat ourselves up some more. We need to have compassion for ourselves and others.
Try to not hold any other expectation than that you will be present as much as you can in each moment no matter where you are or what you do. Go ahead and actually live and dream with anticipation about the holidays. There will be an experience and you will embrace it, whatever it happens to be. Be playful, light and have some fun if you can. In the end, that is what we are here on this earth to do. We are here to experience life and to learn to love ourselves and each other. No need to add extra stress. Go ahead and plan your holidays and then surrender knowing you are loved, adored, divinely protected and provided for by so many on this earth and up above. They don’t expect any more of you. You are perfect as you are. Be content to just be and let everything else fall into place as it will this holiday season. Enjoy the moments. All the best to you in the New Year my friends!