Growing Through Grief: Honesty

By Angela Clement

One of the most helpful tools for us in life is to be consciously aware of our values. A core value that many of us share is honesty. Society values honesty and integrity. Are we always honest with others and ourselves? Nope. We are human and sometimes circumstances get challenging and we start to “blur the lines”of honesty. We all do this. We believe that honesty is important and cheating, lying, and the like are wrong. We can neglect our values in the face of temptation and give into self-interested desires to do something dishonest. When we truly value honesty, our gut will check us eventually and we will have to face it.

Can we be too honest? When someone is struggling, blunt honesty can make things worse. Even if everything we are saying is the truth, doing it with compassion is possible. If we approach difficult conversations with truth and love in our hearts, we cannot go wrong. If we allow ourselves to live a lie, guilt and shame will take over and it is very difficult to live that way for any length of time without having it affect us emotionally and physically.

When we have lost a loved one and are going through the process of grief, we are more vulnerable. We wind up in situations where we have to make decisions that are going to hurt us, hurt someone else or both. Being honest in these situations can be really hard. We may freeze and be indecisive; go along with something thinking it will work its way out and instead it becomes more uncomfortable. Sometimes things work and sometimes they get worse. We might feel pressured to put on a facade of strength for the sake of others who may expect us to stay strong. We grapple with feelings of guilt or regret about unresolved issues with our loved one on the other side. We struggle to be honest with ourselves about these emotions and avoid facing them out of fear or discomfort. The lack of honesty in these situations can prevent us from getting the support and understanding we need and prolong the emotional pain of grief.

We can also easily find ourselves in situations where we are not happy but we are comfortable so we stay. Maybe you are lonely and want to be part of a particular group but they are toxic and bring you down. Maybe your family is toxic but you think you feel you must endure it because they are family. We sometimes settle because we don’t know what to do to change things. Being honest about what is helping you and what is not is important to help you make the changes you need to build healthy relationships and boundaries that serve you.

We really have to get down to what is right for us. What feels true? What feels honest? What feels right? Who is treating you the way you deserve to be treated and who is not? Being honest with yourself is the first step.