Growing Through Grief: Guilt
By Angela Clement
I am often surprised by the emotions that come up for me in my grief and the strange ways in which my experience of loss spurs forth something that I need to heal. I feel as humans we often end up unwinding some type of past emotional trauma that we have bottled up somewhere. As we unwind it something new and beautiful unfolds. Once you recognize this cycle you realize that nothing ever stays forever and the sooner you acknowledge and make peace with whatever is coming up, the sooner you get to what feels good again.
One of the emotions that has come around for me in my own grief is guilt. We are often told not to feel guilty by well meaning friends and family but guilt is truly a normal and common part of grief and telling someone they shouldn’t feel guilty really does not help acknowledge them in their grief or help them get through it. Actually, the way to release guilt is to feel the guilt and acknowledge that it is there.
Since we might suppress guilt, let’s talk about guilt so we can bring it out in the open where it can be released. Recognize when you are saying or thinking would have, could have or should have. These often point to guilt. I remember feeling bad that I did not retire earlier so that I could have spent more time with Blaine. I felt like I could have maybe not spent so much time at work in the evenings and weekends and more time with him. I also sometimes wondered if we just didn’t do the chemotherapy, maybe he would have lived longer, not suffered so much or maybe we should have tried some other treatment. Sometimes people feel guilty for not getting over their grief faster or I have experienced sometimes feeling guilty for starting to enjoy my life despite losing my husband.I think we can put too much of our own investment into what others think or maybe more so what we think they think. People might tell us how long it should take to get over a loss and if we actually take what they say to heart we start to judge ourselves. Remember, the amount of time you grieve is not a reflection of how much you cared for a person and NO ONE actually knows what you are going through and therefore they have no right to criticize or judge the way you feel, the way you grieve or how long!
Just because you feel guilty does not mean you are guilty. If we could predict the future we would all make different decisions. If you look at the definition of guilt it involves having committed an actual offense. Ask yourself, did you really purposely mean to cause harm? We are doing the best we can to make a decision in the time and space we are in. Can you accept that something may have happened because life is unpredictable and chaotic and actually in so many ways incomprehensible? Sometimes just the recognition that we don’t have as much control of some circumstances as we think is hard to accept and we find it easier to blame ourselves or someone else for what happens.
To heal, you must learn to acknowledge the guilt. I find it really helpful to allow myself to have some time alone to just sit and allow my feelings by journaling or just sitting quietly. As I do this I try to be gentle and patient with myself. Finding omeone who you can talk to can also be an effective way to process your guilt. Just telling someone how you feel and having them acknowledge that can help. Find a good friend, family member, coach or therapist that knows and understands you and supports you the way you need to be supported. If you are looking for people that understand, I have built an online community that can help acknowledge you and support you in your grief. If you are interested feel free to contact me at awakenyoursouljourney@gmail.com Sending you lots of love, light and healing.