Check It Out: Raising kids other people want to be around

By Joan Janzen

Were you raised in the era when you had three TV channels, played in the dirt, ate bologna sandwiches, rode in the back of a pickup truck, drank from a hose, and said, sir and ma’am? Those of us who did, managed to survive and thrive. Today’s children deserve the same opportunity to thrive because I think we can all agree - they are our future.

Recently on social media, parents directed questions to Canadian Jordan Peterson, who is both a psychologist and a dad. He stressed the importance of listening to children. “There’s almost nothing you can do that is more productive than listen to them,” he said. After you’ve listened, he advised parents to summarize what their child said, so they’ll know you actually understood what they were communicating. “They’ll be so thrilled that half of their annoyance with you will disappear right there and then,” he added.

The process is equally effective with adults. “I have people in my clinical practice that have never been listened to in their life by anyone. You can help people by listening to them. They are talking to you because they want to get something straight, and they can’t do that by themselves. If you’re arguing, you’ll find 80 percent of what you’re arguing about will vanish just as a consequence of this process. And what you’ll have left is the actual problem you need to deal with. Attention is everything; that’s why advertisers pay for it.” Petersons’ words contain much wisdom.

Because parents are trying to teach their children how to be social creatures with their peers, he advised them to not let their children do anything that makes you dislike them. “And if you say I love my kid; I could never dislike them ... well, then you’re lying,” he said. “You have to admit that you can dislike your children.”

When asked how parents can enforce rules with minimum necessary force, his response was, “the answer depends on the kid” because they’re all different. As an example, he said all they had to do was shake a finger at their daughter and speak in a non-approving manner, and she would stop any unacceptable behaviour. “But for my son, that was like round one!” Peterson admitted.

His own son was a strong-willed child who would try to get away with anything he could. At times he and his wife would decide it was time to crack down on his undesirable behaviour. “What was remarkable is that every time we did that, he liked us better. The reason was because we were paying attention to him,” Peterson explained.

“We were saying stop being a pain in the neck because people will hate you. We’d tell him, we love you, and we can’t stand you, so what do you think people who don’t love you are going to think about you?” Peterson reasoned.

He recalled his son having raging temper tantrums. His parents would make him sit on the step for a time-out. After a few minutes, he would ask his son if he was ready to have a good day, and his son would yell, “Not Yet!” He’d keep asking if his son was ready until he finally got off the step. The process was short and didn’t involve yelling.

“You see kids having temper tantrums, and that’s not good for anybody. It’s an outburst of rage, and it’s exhausting and stressful and hard on the kid. It’s not freedom to let your kid have a temper tantrum. If they are tantrum-prone, the probability of them having friends is low. Kids don’t want to play with kids who have tantrums when they lose at games,” he explained.

As a parent, Peterson realized the importance of dealing with tantrums. “I’ve seen adults in my clinical practice have a temper tantrum that would scare you for life,” he confessed.

The goal is to raise children who play well with others. “The more socially desirable your children are, the higher quality of peers they will attract,” Peterson said. “There are few creatures more unhappy than friendless children because we’re social creatures.”

Parents also asked questions on a podcast called “At Home with the Beveres”. Lisa Bevere, the mom of now adult children, recalled feeling overwhelmed and screaming at her kids when she was parenting while her husband spent a good deal of time on the road. One day she sat them down and explained she was going to stop screaming, and they all cheered!

However, she explained she was only going to tell them once to stop their undesirable behaviour. After that, there would be consequences. For example, if they were throwing a ball indoors and didn’t stop, the ball would be confiscated. She stopped uttering empty threats; as a result, their home became more peaceful.

Every single day is a reset and an opportunity for a new beginning, Lisa advised. It gives parents hope, even when they mess up.

“You want to encourage children to be the type of people other people want to be around. If you do that, you’ll know you’ve done your job properly. That’s a good pathway to walk down,” Peterson concluded.